As a child, I thrived off of adult men's attention

It started when I was 12-13 years old. I was heavily ostracized and bullied while in school due to my weight, nerdiness, and overall shy demeanor. I didn't have friends, was always alone, and worst of all (to my prepubescent mind) zero boys liked me. So I struggled with major depression, felt ugly and lonely, and had suicidal ideation. My family was heavily religious and conservative. So when I expressed feeling down they'd say it was a flaw in my character/to pray more.

I turned to the internet and found an endless stream of friend/chat request from men all over the world. It was never my intention, and I knew very well these men were dangerous and sick...but I was desperate for any crumb of attention/validation.

And that they did. From 12 to 15 I had a whole list of "internet boyfriends", men (20 to probably 40) who'd message me daily, check up on me, flatter me---all in all, attempt to lure me in and groom me. They would cry over me, say they'd love me, send me pictures and videos, everything and anything. And I knew it was wrong and dangerous, so I never actually gave any personal information or locations or backstory of myself. I enjoyed it to the full extent, cut them off if I ever sensed actual danger or obsession, and moved on to next, desperate man

I thrived off of it. Back then, I only ever felt happy when I talked to these men. Predators really, I acknowledge that. If I'm absolutely honest, I might have killed myself without them. They were the only support system I had.

One I moved out of my country and started high school/a new life in another, my life and perspective changed. I made friends, I built a support system of people my age. I deleted my apps and profiles, and stopped replying to the men. Sometimes when my mental state hit all time lows I'd re-download everything and indulge again, even if just for a night. It became almost like a secret, comforting escape.

This was over 10 years ago. I'm a decently stable adult. I don't believed I was ever actually groomed. And I don't have any sexual or mental trauma specific to these men. Did it warp me a bit? Yeah being 13 having adult men masturbate to you over text can do that. But I genuinely thrived because of them.

All that to say, I stumbled on a very fucked up outlet and rolled with it. As an adult woman now, I completely understand how dangerous and sickening the behavior was. I would lose my mind if I ever had a child and they did the same.