masochistic sexuality in trans women; internalized misogyny and naïve desires

over the years i've attempted multiple times to bond deeply with other trans women. in around 2018-2019 i was in a groupchat consisting mostly of boardtroons, and as far as i know with the exception of one or two adults pretty much all of us including the gay men were in our mid to late teens. everyone was living, at least romantically, in the female role, and naturally there developed a degree of closeness between the members. i mean i know this is some serious ipad kid shit, but we were all struggling through queer adolescence and talking through these experiences with people experiencing the same kind of thing gave me the understanding i have today regarding the danger men pose when sexually provoked.

it was jarring, then, when suddenly as an adult i found myself interacting with transsexuals who had seemingly, never learned about this(?) something like that, i dont even really know what it is. girls will look at you and unprovoked describe their desire for situations which, to me, just sound like memories i wish had never happened. now, i'm not stupid. in further conversation with most of these people it's revealed that they have at least fairly limited if not no experience having the type of sex they're describing, especially with cisgender men. i understand that a lack of trauma surrounding something dangerous can lead to stupid decisions. someone who has seen gun violence will always be more careful around firearms.

i've spoken about this before irl, but i dont think i expressed myself well and the person i was talking to said something about cis women having a similar approach to sexuality. i think i mentioned this earlier on but i have had a hard time bonding with other trans women, almost all of my friends are cis and i am effectively not a participant in queer culture outside of the internet. because of that i feel confident in saying that it is soooooo not the same like not even a little bit. cis women learn from a young age that men, especially older men pose a physical danger which is shameful and not at all arousing or fun. this is why venues for women to explore rough sex are usually designed in a way that allows them ultimate control over the situation (BDSM scenes, cnc, etc.). i've noticed that trans women who grew up experiencing attraction from men also tend to have this instinct, the same for gay men who were out in their teens.

i notice primarily in trans women who had completely acclimated themselves to life as a straight man a level of naivety in regards to this. this stems in my opinion from two experiences (or lack thereof) in these womens' lives:

  • expression of masculinity during upbringing, cultural exposure to disdain for women and isolated experience as a heterosexual man. i find that this type of fantasy, which is both dangerous but usually unacted upon is present primarily in trans women who were socially acclimated to avoid feminine things. these women were often told repeatedly not to throw, sit, talk, walk, eat, or cry like a girl. unfortunately being taught that the worst thing you can be in the world is to be "like a girl" is not a good recipe for healthy feelings towards women. compounded by participation in social groups with other men that encourage violent and pornographic sex; further compounded by participation in that kind of sex directly, a profound impact is retained on the sexual view these women now have of themselves in relation to men following their transition.
  • their inexperience in serving an actual female role during sex, or of being a perceived-to-be female object of male desire. the situations i often hear described seem like erotica novels: he pins me to the wall and unbuttons my shirt with his teeth! "no! not now!" i shout out, but my knees tremble and buckle as he licks slowly up my neck and face before forcing my head towards his cock." like yes, sure it sounds sexy on paper, but only on paper. women are usually ok with reading this type of thing because you don't have to actually experience the details. the fear when you realize you can't resist, how much his breath smells like your father's, having your hair pulled and someone's genitals in your mouth while you're in a state of fear, not arousal.

so the problem isn't with the fantasy itself. it is normal for women to internalize the horrible things we're told we deserve sexually and attempt to find solace in their use for our own pleasure, this has been going on since the Story of O. i believe the problem here is the lack of knowledge which is foundational common sense for other women when it comes to safely having these experiences. i understand this might come across as a bit judgy but i promise I simply intend for this to be an description of something i've noticed in queer circles. there just seems to be a general recklessness, blasé attitude towards unprotected and anonymous sex in unknown locations. a general lack of preventative measures against one of those moments of realization that you won't getting out of the situation unharmed.

i understand the occasional necessity of this behavior. years ago i turned tricks when i needed to get high, at one point i was recording balloon fetish porn for hormone money, but i'm confused when I see this kind of thing happening to 25 year olds with full time computer science jobs.

i dont know. i don't have a solution or anything, but like am i crazy??

apologies for the insane bullshit, i rarely allow myself the pleasure of a truly schizophrenic bitchpost but today i'm feeling way too high and completely uninterested in leaving my apartment.

love you all, stay safe out there

~mary

over the years i've attempted multiple times to bond deeply with other trans women. in around 2018-2019 i was in a groupchat consisting mostly of boardtroons, and as far as i know with the exception of one or two adults pretty much all of us including the gay men were in our mid to late teens. everyone was living, at least romantically, in the female role, and naturally there developed a degree of closeness between the members. i mean i know this is some serious ipad kid shit, but we were all struggling through queer adolescence and talking through these experiences with people experiencing the same kind of thing gave me the understanding i have today regarding the danger men pose when sexually provoked.

it was jarring, then, when suddenly as an adult i found myself interacting with transsexuals who had seemingly, never learned about this(?) something like that, i dont even really know what it is. girls will look at you and unprovoked describe their desire for situations which, to me, just sound like memories i wish had never happened. now, i'm not stupid. in further conversation with most of these people it's revealed that they have at least fairly limited if not no experience having the type of sex they're describing, especially with cisgender men. i understand that a lack of trauma surrounding something dangerous can lead to stupid decisions. someone who has seen gun violence will always be more careful around firearms.

i've spoken about this before irl, but i dont think i expressed myself well and the person i was talking to said something about cis women having a similar approach to sexuality. i think i mentioned this earlier on but i have had a hard time bonding with other trans women, almost all of my friends are cis and i am effectively not a participant in queer culture outside of the internet. because of that i feel confident in saying that it is soooooo not the same like not even a little bit. cis women learn from a young age that men, especially older men pose a physical danger which is shameful and not at all arousing or fun. this is why venues for women to explore rough sex are usually designed in a way that allows them ultimate control over the situation (BDSM scenes, cnc, etc.). i've noticed that trans women who grew up experiencing attraction from men also tend to have this instinct, the same for gay men who were out in their teens.

i notice primarily in trans women who had completely acclimated themselves to life as a straight man a level of naivety in regards to this. this stems in my opinion from two experiences (or lack thereof) in these womens' lives:

  • expression of masculinity during upbringing, cultural exposure to disdain for women and isolated experience as a heterosexual man. i find that this type of fantasy, which is both dangerous but usually unacted upon is present primarily in trans women who were socially acclimated to avoid feminine things. these women were often told repeatedly not to throw, sit, talk, walk, eat, or cry like a girl. unfortunately being taught that the worst thing you can be in the world is to be "like a girl" is not a good recipe for healthy feelings towards women. compounded by participation in social groups with other men that encourage violent and pornographic sex; further compounded by participation in that kind of sex directly, a profound impact is retained on the sexual view these women now have of themselves in relation to men following their transition.
  • their inexperience in serving an actual female role during sex, or of being a perceived-to-be female object of male desire. the situations i often hear described seem like erotica novels: he pins me to the wall and unbuttons my shirt with his teeth! "no! not now!" i shout out, but my knees tremble and buckle as he licks slowly up my neck and face before forcing my head towards his cock." like yes, sure it sounds sexy on paper, but only on paper. women are usually ok with reading this type of thing because you don't have to actually experience the details. the fear when you realize you can't resist, how much his breath smells like your father's, having your hair pulled and someone's genitals in your mouth while you're in a state of fear, not arousal.

so the problem isn't with the fantasy itself. it is normal for women to internalize the horrible things we're told we deserve sexually and attempt to find solace in their use for our own pleasure, this has been going on since the Story of O. i believe the problem here is the lack of knowledge which is foundational common sense for other women when it comes to safely having these experiences. i understand this might come across as a bit judgy but i promise I simply intend for this to be an description of something i've noticed in queer circles. there just seems to be a general recklessness, blasé attitude towards unprotected and anonymous sex in unknown locations. a general lack of preventative measures against one of those moments of realization that you won't getting out of the situation unharmed.

i understand the occasional necessity of this behavior. years ago i turned tricks when i needed to get high, at one point i was recording balloon fetish porn for hormone money, but i'm confused when I see this kind of thing happening to 25 year olds with full time computer science jobs.

i dont know. i don't have a solution or anything, but like am i crazy??

apologies for the insane bullshit, i rarely allow myself the pleasure of a truly schizophrenic bitchpost but today i'm feeling way too high and completely uninterested in leaving my apartment.

love you all, stay safe out there

~mary