I just want to be done with it all

Desperately trying to understand where I can find the strength to keep going, because I'm experiencing something far beyond emotional collapse.

I don't even really want to type out my thoughts as there are too many and it all feels pointless.

ADHD, Depression, OCD. Am I Autistic? I don't know. Can't afford a screening, but all signs point to "Yes." Psychiatrist passes away after we developed a solid rapport. A record-breakingly brutal string of eight cancer related deaths between close family and friends within two and a half years. Trying to cope with the losses. Can't think of anything.

Shaky relationship with family after father passes away back in 2022. Still need to rely on mother to help keep me alive; im 32. Shame and embarrassment aren't strong enough words to describe the feeling.

Family knew I had ADHD when I was a child, but I went untreated. Feel guilty when I place the blame on them, as they didn't really know any better. Grew up being hit with whatever my dad could find. Was a victim of SA, but I keep gaslighting myself into thinking it wasn't bad, or that it didn't happen. Completely jaded. No concept of what intimacy looks like, or how I could ever be allowed to experience it.

I have no solid income at all. I begrudgingly accept to do odd jobs for my mothers church for little cash prizes, but they amount to nothing. I'm in debt. Not a whole lot, but it's piling up. Can't stay in school because I lose all motivation to do anything after the second week. I'm so tired of letting everybody in my life down.

Stuck in a house with people who don't believe in ADHD, who are overwhelmingly type-A, while trying to figure out the myriad of things that could be wrong with me, all while making no money, feeling the loneliest I have ever felt, accruing debt from things that I have nothing to show for, and testing different medication combinations that have yet to yield any results.

Y'all, I want to just tap out.