disappointment from my mom is killing me

im extremley terrible at explaining anything and everything please bear w me. last january i got the results for some a bunch of exams i took, i was not on any medication at all during the period i studied becuase of the terrible side effects i got from my meds (non stimulants specifiaclly straterra) so it went how anyone would have imagined. i failed my mechanics exam and got a c in pure 2 mathematics, and a d in computer science. i was suprised i havent failed every one of them considering i was in the worst state of depression and could barley comprehend basic human instructions let alone study and ace any exam. fast forward right now and im retaking all 3 subjects again including 3 other subjects i didnt get my desired grade in. my mom got a message of the fees she has to pay for the teaching courses for the 6 subjects. i took one look at her face and immediatley saw the absolute mysery in them. the whole day she was walking around with the look of absolute dread of having to pay thousands and thoousands she cant afford .

i tried to talk to her and apologize in some way but it was so apparent from her body language and the fact that she didnt even wanna look me in the eye that she was dissapointed in me. the only thing she said to me is 'why couldnt u just score in the last exam?' ive never hated myself more for throwing this burden on her. and i hate myself even more for being born with this fucking curse that avoids me from doing the most regular normal human activity without fucking it up it feels so suffocating and i just dont know what to do with myself anymore. its so hard seeing someone i care about so much whos done nothing but be suportive to me this let down by me. but she doesnt understand that all of this is things i cant control no matter how much i try which digs the knife even deeper.

i am on stimulants now but its not really changing anything and the disspoinment is still there.