I want to go back to her

I broke up with her now I feel like going back

I am a 32 M who was dating a 32 F. We met on a matrimony site. We just hit it off once we spoke to each other. I am an Engineer in USA. She works in marketing in Germany and is also a part time Dj and she is passionate about it. We used to have virtual dates and everything and everything was going good. I just wanted to be a nice partner to her and wanted to show how good we could be. I used to take care of her. Order food when she was not in mood to cook or when it was her time of month. Order flowers for her. Sometimes buy her gifts like perfume. There were instances where she made me pay for her vacation reservation. I asked her if she could pay me back but she was like do you really expect me to do that. I just ignored it later. I finally went and met her in Germany. Second date was special for me and I took her to an expensive restaurant. I wanted to tell her that this is not an everyday thing that I could do and can only do this on certain occasions. She knew how much I get paid. In the middle of the date I was not able to communicate properly and I just told I am just thinking of the bill. She got angry on hearing it but later she was like forget it. But the next day she was super pissed about it and made me feel too bad. She told no one has ever spoken about a bill to her on a date and she told she felt insulted. I apologized and told that was not my intention. I just wanted to let you know I can't do this all the time. I had another date planned but she was like oh you won't mind taking me here because it is cheap. I felt very bad about it. Then she told me the only thing that can make up my mind is I need to go shop. I was like okay I will take you. And she told when I shop I splurge. And she took me to Christian Dior and made me spend 7000 USD. I felt so helpless and ashamed of myself because I couldn't even say no to her. She then told I don't even remember why you made me angry. I went back to my place and I hated myself looking at the mirror since I had no respect for myself. I ended up crying and I decided to end things with her. I ended things with her the next day and I told her the reason is not you but me. I am not feeling confident of who I am. I am just not able to be myself and I am just under pressure. I feel you deserve a better man and we ended things. She was not happy about it and looked sad. We had a reservation for hotel in Italy and I decided I should transfer it to her. I suggested she could go alone. She was looking forward to relax and enjoy the trip. But later I felt if something goes wrong at the hotel I reserved I would be responsible for it and I told her about it and cancelled it. She couldn't take it and understand why I cancelled and she was being all mean and saying things to me. I felt bad since I was not mentally feel great and I had to deal with her as well and I felt does she even care for me.

I just didn't say anything and just flew back to usa. I am going through therapy because I feel depressed and can't do basic stuff. But today I have this strong urge to go back and fix things with her. Communicate better with her , make her understand why I did it. I don't know why I am feeling like this.