I like this new feeling, I hope it stays
There's an apparition of my father on the lawn
Taking a long hard puff from his cigarette
Ash dribbling down his hand and into his lap
The back of his head says to me
Through lips in his hair
That the cicadas will lay dead for 17 more years
And so to this I, of course, say
To fuck off and do the same
There's an apparition of my father the last time I saw him, on top my college bunk
Flipping through all of my old labs
Looking for god knows what
You're a genius he says
One of a kind
And to this, I offer the simplest of platitudes
In that I threaten to shoot off a chunk of my own brain and skull
If he doesn't get the hell down
There's an apparition of some old man
That I will never know
Leaning against the family's old hunker
As I try to make enough money to not die
He's kicking at the dirt and looking so so ashamed
As if he's just down on his luck
He turns to me with no mouth this time
Just blank aged skin
And somehow beams it into my brain
That he hasn't thought of me for a week
An entire week
And to this I do the kindest thing that I can
And calmly tell him to put his skull under my tire
So that I can do the same
There are all kinds of apparitions in my head
That are all of the different versions of my father
He just seems to always be there
And it's gotten to be more annoying than anything really
I go through periods of insanity where I can dream calmly of him
But now, at 3 am, in my gross ass bed
I just want him to find his own home
I think to myself
If you ever really loved me
You'd step off the third floor of your house
By going through the door of my old bedroom
In a dream, I find the absence of my father's apparition
in a field tucked away in some forest
There's his grave with nothing but his name
And me
With nothing to say and no one to say it too
I take a drag off of a cigarette
With the ash dribbling onto my hand and into my lap
And take peace in the silence
I could say fuck off
For just the symmetry of what it means
But instead, I just sit facing away, towards some setting sun
And bask in the numbness that is letting go
Songs that I think match da vibe :p
38Kea - Head Start (prod.38Kea) (youtube.com)