Missing everything

First things first, I am not an addict. Never was and never claimed to be

I know there are worst things out there but I really miss getting high and not having to worry about life. The sadness will never end (don't tell me to go on anti depressants, I've taken them for 5 years and they do fuck all). The only time I ever felt normal was when I was high or asleep. The days I took too many xannies/opioids causing me to sleep for days on end were the best times of my life. I wish I never woke up from that. I want to be high all the time but that's not a practical option when I have work and studies to do. I'm here but I don't want to be here.

Maybe the first time I got high was the worst decision of my life cause now I know there is no better feeling than that. Nothing will ever feel as good in life anymore. I just want it to all end